i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
