the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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