this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
