Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
