I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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