Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
