My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
