i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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