Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
