I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
