I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize