What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
