..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize