btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize