I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
