Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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