Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
