totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
