Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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