She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
