forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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