dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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