yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
