TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
