So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
