just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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