Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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