Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
