So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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