haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
