Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize