guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
