girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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