Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
