feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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