I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
