i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
