By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
