im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
