I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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