You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
