im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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