he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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