you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize