I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
