when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
