Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
