I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
