So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
