You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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