Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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