dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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