So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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