I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
