Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
