i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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