I wish I could teleport
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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