WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
