you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
