the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
