I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
