The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
