I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
