I wish I could teleport
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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