He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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