: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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