life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
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