U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Who died my cat blue again?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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